Having real, close, transformative relationships is one of the many blessings of being a part of God’s people. Unfortunately, we are not perfect in how we strive to love and help each other. When hurts and sin happen, How does Jesus want us to handle conflict?
Q: How was conflict handled in your family of origin?
Q: How have you handled relational conflict up until now in your life?
Matthew 18:6-8, 15-17
-Jesus recognizes that conflict will happen and we must take serious responsibility to not hurt others in causing and handling conflict (18:6-8)
-He gives us clear direction on how to address conflict/sin
A. Address it one-on-one
B. Get a few spiritually mature people involved to help resolve/bring repentance
C. Involve the church in praying and helping to resolve/bring repentance
D. Dismiss the unrepentant person from fellowship
Few of us have learned growing up how to talk one-on-one about conflict. Below is a tool that we use to help us “Go” talk in a healthy way.
"Go" Conversation
1. Set the Stage & Name the Topic
-It is important to respectfully set up a time and location that everyone feels good about
-It is also important to recognize there are two levels of conflict:
L1: Casual Conflict:
-“Can I talk to you about that interaction just now (or earlier at church, etc)?”
L2: Escalated Conflict:
-Safe for all parties involved
-Good timing (emotionally, undistracted, etc)
-Be clear about the topic that is to be discussed
-Doing this empowers and allies the other person in the discussion
-Instead of attacking or alienating
-Climb the Ladder of Integrity before discussing! - 5 Minutes!!!
This also allows people time to prepare for the discussion
-Prayer about the situation and conversation
-We also encourage people to "Climb the Ladder of Integrity"
2. Ask for Their Perspective & Listen
James 1:19 - My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
-Ask the other person to explain their perspective on the situation
-Incarnational Listening!!!
-Give them your full attention - Take notes
-Enter their world
-Avoid judging or interpreting - SO HARD!!!!!
-Reflect back
-Reflect - “What I am hearing you say is…”
-Ask clarifying questions
-Good time to “Stop mind reading…”
“I think…Is that correct?”
-Ask, “Is there more?”
-Ask, “What is the most important thing for me to remember?”
-Discern your part…
-Own - Intent vs. Impact
-Offer - “How could I have handled that better?”
-Needs - “What do you need from me to make this right?”
3. Provide Your Perspective
-BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm
-Share humbly about not knowing everything - “My perspective…”
-Careful assuming motives - I Corinthians 4:5
-Share your feelings in the experience - “When you…it makes me feel…”
-Climbing the Ladder of Integrity
-Express Feelings
-Express Values
-Express Hopes
-Check for their understanding
-Tell me what you’re hearing me say
-Discern Their Part
-Own
-Offer
-Needs - What do you need from me to make this right?
4. Develop an Agreement Together
-“How can we do things differently in the future?”
-SWAN
-Specific
-Written
-Attainable
-Non-judgmental & Balanced
5. Follow-Up
-Are we still good?
-How is the agreement going?
-Am I meeting expectations?
Matthew 18:21-35
-As people who experience God’s grace we must be abundantly gracious and forgiving with each other.
-Peter wanted to quantify how many times we are required to forgive someone. Answer: As many times as God forgives us!
Matthew 5:23-24
-Jesus says that it is better for us to pause worshipping God in order to go get reconciled if we think someone has something against us!
-It is hugely important to Jesus that we handle conflict in a healthy way.
Q: How does this compare to how conflict was handled in your family growing up?
Q: How does this compare to how you have handled conflict in your life? Q: What will be the most challenging part for you?
Spiritual Exercise: Search your heart. Are there any disciples you have bad feelings towards? Any you know have bad feelings towards you? Go to them and initiate reconciliation!
